Diseases of a Teenage Girl

Kinsmen: my subjects and slaves. We have an epidemic on our hands. It’s not HIV/AIDS. It’s not Malaria. It’s not Swine Flu. Yes, it is the five deadly signs of a teenage girl. Two of these can make your eyes and ears burn and should not be present at all, yet, they are unavoidable. The other three can cause outbursts of laughter of those people around the infected person and may result in noses being broken by a hook punch. The five diseases are outlined below, in the order of vulgarity.

Orange-itis

What is it? The excessive application of fake-tan

Symptoms: The skin turns the colour of an orange, and is quite often a different colour to the rest of the body. On some occasions, it can result in streaky coloured skin.

Affects on those around the infected person: Others may have the urge to talk behind the person’s back and some may need to laugh in their face.

Treatment: Many hot showers with the addition of exfoliation and harsh scrubbing of the skin is all that can really rid a person of this disease.

Prevention: The purchase of lesser orange fake tan, or a real tan can be come by with the help of tanning lotion.

Panda-itis

What is it? The excessive application on eyeliner and mascara

Symptoms: There is blackness around the eyes as if they are part panda. When they cry, they look like The Joker.

Affects on those around the infected person: Others may have the urge to talk behind the person’s back and some may need to laugh in their face.

Treatment: A wet towel can be used to be rid of this disease

Prevention: The lesser application of mascara/eyeliner can be achieved easily, as can the non-application of it.

Cake-face-itis

What is it? The excessive application of make up. Usually with a shovel.

Symptoms: Facial features are obscured by what looks like a powdery substance, or mini pimples. There may also be a coloured line of contrast around the jaw and/or neck.

Affects on those around the infected person: Others may have the urge to talk behind the person’s back and some may need to laugh in their face

Treatment: A shovel may be needed to scrape foundation off.

Prevention: The lesser application of foundation can be achieved easily, as can the non-application of it.

Beiber-itis

What is it? The obsession with Justin Beiber

Symptoms: Screaming, singing of “Baby”, screaming, talk of marrying him, jumping, screaming, crying and screaming

Affects on those around the infected person: Ears may burn as they hear any song of his being screeched by him or the infected person

Treatment: Unfortunately there is no known cure, but severity can be reduced with the listening to music of P!nk, Avril Lavigne, Newton Faulkner, Paramore, etc. (Literally any music would work, apart from Jessica Black)

Prevention: The older the person is, the more immune they are to his music, but unfortunately, the effect of burning ears cannot be prevented.

Leggings-itis

What is it? The wearing of leggings without an item of clothing to cover the butt, often accompanied with white socks and canvas shoes.

Symptoms: The panty-line is visible and fat and genitalia are defined

Affects on those around the infected person: Eyes of onlookers may burn and they may have the urge to vomit

Treatment: The addition of a skirt/long top/dress to cover the butt. The infected person can also wear flats instead of white socks and canvas shoes. Or perhaps just canvas shoes alone.

Prevention: See treatment

So come together my friends, and help me fight these diseases! For all our sakes!

Until next time, Adios Amigos!